God Bless you all!
Friday, November 14, 2008
It has been a very long time since my last broadcast. So many changes. Well...lets see. I worked for the grounds crew at the VA, sold cars at two different dealerships, and now am working help desk support. I think I have changed. I know I have changed. I feel like I went in a big circle. A huge productive circle that made me regret and cherish the past 20 years. This will be my last post here. From now on you may view my life in the form of still shots on flickr under the name
12obb. (sorry google!)
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Answered Prayer
John14:12-14
"Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. "And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
"If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.
"Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. "And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
"If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You annoint me head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The Gap Widens
She wasn't feeling well so our date was cancelled. I don't think she felt too comfortable with it anyways. She is two different people now. One who still wants to live for others but at the same time wants to live just for herself. Needing her space she now cares and seeks love from others, which I think is great. Each day is different. On some days she says she will come back if I change. That this break is to see if I still care. But right now it feels as if she has moved out to see if she wants to put forth the effort to repair what has been broken.
The first time I read her blog there was a line in it that says she loves me but is not in love with me. I think it means she is falling out of love. I have asked my therapist what she means and says not a clue. For some reason younger people understand while the older generation doesn't. They (older people) say love changes over time. It is not always the giddy; lose control kind.
So I asked that night if she was in love me and there was a long pause. Long enough for me to say all right in an I 'm not going to beg way. Then she quickly told me she loves me but wants just live for herself and keep the topic light and fun. The same way she told me tonight after she broke our date. I know she does not want to lose me. She needs time find herself. This move I know is all about her. All I can do is be "ready" when she does want to talk. So I put myself out there, naked with nothing left to misplace and everything to gain.
Two nights ago I told her it is all about you. The little girl inside asked for how long? Forever and ever honey, I said. The she gently move the subject to her cats. She let me hear the fierce purring. Snort purrs is what we call them.The next day she only texted she love me when she said good night. Before it had been more frequent. At least five times a day. I feel now the I love you texts were to soothe me and but took on a routine feel. Now when she does it seems to be more substantial. I started to imagine that she would say I love you to help calm me. But I need other sources so I started to picture my mother saying it. That didn't work for long. So now I picture God saying it and which feels better. But the gap widens and has stopped saying goodnight.
I just want to see her face. And when the moment is right to touch her lips and taste her breath. Whether outside or in, the day or night her face brightens my day. When she is with me I feel wanted by a smart, bright, caring, and beautiful soul. Which makes me feel like a better person. I want to do the same for her. Be the rock that she can come to in times of need. When the world has stripped everything she has left to give and she feels like taking a break. When that grown woman wants to be a little girl with no responsibilities; no grown up cares. And to be the foundation when she wants to grow from a couple to a family or to discuss a taboo topic.
I will keep on giving, to her as well as me. There is around five and a half months left and have never felt so alive!
I love you Amy!
God enable me to be independent and free from fear.
The first time I read her blog there was a line in it that says she loves me but is not in love with me. I think it means she is falling out of love. I have asked my therapist what she means and says not a clue. For some reason younger people understand while the older generation doesn't. They (older people) say love changes over time. It is not always the giddy; lose control kind.
So I asked that night if she was in love me and there was a long pause. Long enough for me to say all right in an I 'm not going to beg way. Then she quickly told me she loves me but wants just live for herself and keep the topic light and fun. The same way she told me tonight after she broke our date. I know she does not want to lose me. She needs time find herself. This move I know is all about her. All I can do is be "ready" when she does want to talk. So I put myself out there, naked with nothing left to misplace and everything to gain.
Two nights ago I told her it is all about you. The little girl inside asked for how long? Forever and ever honey, I said. The she gently move the subject to her cats. She let me hear the fierce purring. Snort purrs is what we call them.The next day she only texted she love me when she said good night. Before it had been more frequent. At least five times a day. I feel now the I love you texts were to soothe me and but took on a routine feel. Now when she does it seems to be more substantial. I started to imagine that she would say I love you to help calm me. But I need other sources so I started to picture my mother saying it. That didn't work for long. So now I picture God saying it and which feels better. But the gap widens and has stopped saying goodnight.
I just want to see her face. And when the moment is right to touch her lips and taste her breath. Whether outside or in, the day or night her face brightens my day. When she is with me I feel wanted by a smart, bright, caring, and beautiful soul. Which makes me feel like a better person. I want to do the same for her. Be the rock that she can come to in times of need. When the world has stripped everything she has left to give and she feels like taking a break. When that grown woman wants to be a little girl with no responsibilities; no grown up cares. And to be the foundation when she wants to grow from a couple to a family or to discuss a taboo topic.
I will keep on giving, to her as well as me. There is around five and a half months left and have never felt so alive!
I love you Amy!
God enable me to be independent and free from fear.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Nothing Less
There is still have a lot to work to do but I’m not quitting. I still remain confident to change for the better. Needing to see continual progress for that change to materialize. I have started a routine taking back my life. Having my creativity to help exercise my emotions is working out well. I am conscience of the cleanliness of the house as well as the stability. Same goes for work. And I don’t not mix the two anymore. It was too caustic. Work is busy but that is good.
I have vowed to show my wife a new and stronger man who is ready to love again. One who can take the roller coaster of everyday life and ask for more. A person that is good hearted and able to control the things that can and to let the rest go. To not need anyone rather to want. To smile and embrace life one day at a time.I do know the person I am going to be. (Part my dad and partly not. Dad is a great man full of energy and with his age comes wisdom. To cherish the laughter of a child and the blisters on his hands. But more caring at the same time. Mostly just the responsible hard working after work kind of guy.) I feel reborn no longer turning to substances rather substance.
We are going out for lunch Thursday and a Friday visit to a museum. What comes next? What ever feels natural. I do see the person I am. Now I want it to be more than that. Not feeling as lost right now. But I do want to discover what else I could be. I was on my way after the military. (just from a daily routine and responsibility stand point. Lol I hated the military no creativity! Felt like a number.) I just took and extended vacation. I am going to be myself and nothing less.
I love you Amy!
God please enable me to remain focused
I have vowed to show my wife a new and stronger man who is ready to love again. One who can take the roller coaster of everyday life and ask for more. A person that is good hearted and able to control the things that can and to let the rest go. To not need anyone rather to want. To smile and embrace life one day at a time.I do know the person I am going to be. (Part my dad and partly not. Dad is a great man full of energy and with his age comes wisdom. To cherish the laughter of a child and the blisters on his hands. But more caring at the same time. Mostly just the responsible hard working after work kind of guy.) I feel reborn no longer turning to substances rather substance.
We are going out for lunch Thursday and a Friday visit to a museum. What comes next? What ever feels natural. I do see the person I am. Now I want it to be more than that. Not feeling as lost right now. But I do want to discover what else I could be. I was on my way after the military. (just from a daily routine and responsibility stand point. Lol I hated the military no creativity! Felt like a number.) I just took and extended vacation. I am going to be myself and nothing less.
I love you Amy!
God please enable me to remain focused
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Steps to Change
I want her to be happy, and therefore I will let her get her rest so she may be herself. If she comes back I promise not to be the person I was but the person I now want to be now. She is trying so hard to be the loving wife full of hope. I know now what I must do this for myself. She will get her rest. But in the end she will be happy eventually. I have not lost confidence in myself!
It seems for the past few years everything has been on a level 10 catastrophe and that I have sucked in the people who are the closest to me and that made me feel loved when they cared. No more, NEVER! I vow to have fun and live my life strong and I feel if I can do this it will also help Amy. She deserves so much more.
Steps to change:
· Embrace God
· Become more responsible take charge of my life
· Tell the ones I love that I appreciate their time
· Develop stronger relationships
· Live for today
God grant me the strength to be strong so I may fully love those around me.
I love you Amy.
It seems for the past few years everything has been on a level 10 catastrophe and that I have sucked in the people who are the closest to me and that made me feel loved when they cared. No more, NEVER! I vow to have fun and live my life strong and I feel if I can do this it will also help Amy. She deserves so much more.
Steps to change:
· Embrace God
· Become more responsible take charge of my life
· Tell the ones I love that I appreciate their time
· Develop stronger relationships
· Live for today
God grant me the strength to be strong so I may fully love those around me.
I love you Amy.
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