The Gap Widens

She wasn't feeling well so our date was cancelled. I don't think she felt too comfortable with it anyways. She is two different people now. One who still wants to live for others but at the same time wants to live just for herself. Needing her space she now cares and seeks love from others, which I think is great. Each day is different. On some days she says she will come back if I change. That this break is to see if I still care. But right now it feels as if she has moved out to see if she wants to put forth the effort to repair what has been broken.

The first time I read her blog there was a line in it that says she loves me but is not in love with me. I think it means she is falling out of love. I have asked my therapist what she means and says not a clue. For some reason younger people understand while the older generation doesn't. They (older people) say love changes over time. It is not always the giddy; lose control kind.

So I asked that night if she was in love me and there was a long pause. Long enough for me to say all right in an I 'm not going to beg way. Then she quickly told me she loves me but wants just live for herself and keep the topic light and fun. The same way she told me tonight after she broke our date. I know she does not want to lose me. She needs time find herself. This move I know is all about her. All I can do is be "ready" when she does want to talk. So I put myself out there, naked with nothing left to misplace and everything to gain.

Two nights ago I told her it is all about you. The little girl inside asked for how long? Forever and ever honey, I said. The she gently move the subject to her cats. She let me hear the fierce purring. Snort purrs is what we call them.The next day she only texted she love me when she said good night. Before it had been more frequent. At least five times a day. I feel now the I love you texts were to soothe me and but took on a routine feel. Now when she does it seems to be more substantial. I started to imagine that she would say I love you to help calm me. But I need other sources so I started to picture my mother saying it. That didn't work for long. So now I picture God saying it and which feels better. But the gap widens and has stopped saying goodnight.

I just want to see her face. And when the moment is right to touch her lips and taste her breath. Whether outside or in, the day or night her face brightens my day. When she is with me I feel wanted by a smart, bright, caring, and beautiful soul. Which makes me feel like a better person. I want to do the same for her. Be the rock that she can come to in times of need. When the world has stripped everything she has left to give and she feels like taking a break. When that grown woman wants to be a little girl with no responsibilities; no grown up cares. And to be the foundation when she wants to grow from a couple to a family or to discuss a taboo topic.

I will keep on giving, to her as well as me. There is around five and a half months left and have never felt so alive!

I love you Amy!

God enable me to be independent and free from fear.