She wasn't feeling well so our date was cancelled. I don't think she felt too comfortable with it anyways. She is two different people now. One who still wants to live for others but at the same time wants to live just for herself. Needing her space she now cares and seeks love from others, which I think is great. Each day is different. On some days she says she will come back if I change. That this break is to see if I still care. But right now it feels as if she has moved out to see if she wants to put forth the effort to repair what has been broken.
The first time I read her blog there was a line in it that says she loves me but is not in love with me. I think it means she is falling out of love. I have asked my therapist what she means and says not a clue. For some reason younger people understand while the older generation doesn't. They (older people) say love changes over time. It is not always the giddy; lose control kind.
So I asked that night if she was in love me and there was a long pause. Long enough for me to say all right in an I 'm not going to beg way. Then she quickly told me she loves me but wants just live for herself and keep the topic light and fun. The same way she told me tonight after she broke our date. I know she does not want to lose me. She needs time find herself. This move I know is all about her. All I can do is be "ready" when she does want to talk. So I put myself out there, naked with nothing left to misplace and everything to gain.
Two nights ago I told her it is all about you. The little girl inside asked for how long? Forever and ever honey, I said. The she gently move the subject to her cats. She let me hear the fierce purring. Snort purrs is what we call them.The next day she only texted she love me when she said good night. Before it had been more frequent. At least five times a day. I feel now the I love you texts were to soothe me and but took on a routine feel. Now when she does it seems to be more substantial. I started to imagine that she would say I love you to help calm me. But I need other sources so I started to picture my mother saying it. That didn't work for long. So now I picture God saying it and which feels better. But the gap widens and has stopped saying goodnight.
I just want to see her face. And when the moment is right to touch her lips and taste her breath. Whether outside or in, the day or night her face brightens my day. When she is with me I feel wanted by a smart, bright, caring, and beautiful soul. Which makes me feel like a better person. I want to do the same for her. Be the rock that she can come to in times of need. When the world has stripped everything she has left to give and she feels like taking a break. When that grown woman wants to be a little girl with no responsibilities; no grown up cares. And to be the foundation when she wants to grow from a couple to a family or to discuss a taboo topic.
I will keep on giving, to her as well as me. There is around five and a half months left and have never felt so alive!
I love you Amy!
God enable me to be independent and free from fear.
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3 comments:
Challenges. That's a good definition of what love provides.
It provides times to change, times to remain the same.
It provides motion, that you both move at the same time.
It provides motion where one of you moves, and the other stays behind for a moment.
Don't think of a canceled date as the end of your relationship, because it isn't.
Yes, she is someone trying to get herself together, as well as finding out if she wants to remain with you..
What you need to do is
a) find out why she fell in love with you.
b) make her SEE why you have/haven't changed.
c) find the EXACT reason that she got fed up with you.
(could it be the game console?)
c1) what can you do to negate the reason?
c2) what can you do to bring her BACK into your sphere of influence
c3) what can you do to move into HER sphere of influence.
The line that says she loves you, but is not IN love with you is accurate, because you CAN'T be in love with someone 24hrs X7 days week.
I would analyze that line by saying
that the "Pizzaz" that you may hhave had at one time, or perhaps better as (electricity) is missing, but the underlying feeling is there.
Yes, us Older people (Remember I've been married nearly 30 years, and have been through what you guys are going thru too) DO have the ability to say that love changes too.
It DOES sometimes change to the "giddy, lose control type".
Asking her a question like "do you love me" is something you should avoid for a while..
In my humble opinion:
you need to
a) pretend you AREN't MARRIED right now.
b) when Speaking/Dealing/Dating her, you need to act as if you were
meeting her for the first time, and had been smitten. (in other words, WOW her...so that she "falls" into love again with you.
c) remember that she DID marry you, and spend a good chunk of her life wit you.
d) realize that just because you're married, doesn't give you the right to expect that the evening will end in bed. (Sorry, I know you're not a teenager anymore, but even us OLD men have occasional needs...)
e) you've GOTTA give it TIME.
f) AVOID deep commitments and requests for same from her right now.
g) The only commitment you should expect is:
Did you have fun tonight? can I see you again next week?
AND most of all
DONT expect her to text message you 7-20 times a day right now.
She's torn, and having a very difficult time too.
I'd say that when ...she only texted she love me when she said good night, it was a VERY VERY GOOD SIGN..
{Please remind yourself that this is a PERIOD of change. If you DONT give yourself and HER SPACE, you may never get back together...}
Hope this helps both of you!
Hey thanks for all the time. I really do apprciate it. Have you been receiving any of my emails?
not yet (rcv'd email), but put the word Markie in a subject.
I have a pretty Efficent spam filter that normally deletes ANYTHING questionable.
mark
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