Nothing Less

There is still have a lot to work to do but I’m not quitting. I still remain confident to change for the better. Needing to see continual progress for that change to materialize. I have started a routine taking back my life. Having my creativity to help exercise my emotions is working out well. I am conscience of the cleanliness of the house as well as the stability. Same goes for work. And I don’t not mix the two anymore. It was too caustic. Work is busy but that is good.

I have vowed to show my wife a new and stronger man who is ready to love again. One who can take the roller coaster of everyday life and ask for more. A person that is good hearted and able to control the things that can and to let the rest go. To not need anyone rather to want. To smile and embrace life one day at a time.I do know the person I am going to be. (Part my dad and partly not. Dad is a great man full of energy and with his age comes wisdom. To cherish the laughter of a child and the blisters on his hands. But more caring at the same time. Mostly just the responsible hard working after work kind of guy.) I feel reborn no longer turning to substances rather substance.

We are going out for lunch Thursday and a Friday visit to a museum. What comes next? What ever feels natural. I do see the person I am. Now I want it to be more than that. Not feeling as lost right now. But I do want to discover what else I could be. I was on my way after the military. (just from a daily routine and responsibility stand point. Lol I hated the military no creativity! Felt like a number.) I just took and extended vacation. I am going to be myself and nothing less.
I love you Amy!

God please enable me to remain focused

Steps to Change

I want her to be happy, and therefore I will let her get her rest so she may be herself. If she comes back I promise not to be the person I was but the person I now want to be now. She is trying so hard to be the loving wife full of hope. I know now what I must do this for myself. She will get her rest. But in the end she will be happy eventually. I have not lost confidence in myself!

It seems for the past few years everything has been on a level 10 catastrophe and that I have sucked in the people who are the closest to me and that made me feel loved when they cared. No more, NEVER! I vow to have fun and live my life strong and I feel if I can do this it will also help Amy. She deserves so much more.

Steps to change:
· Embrace God
· Become more responsible take charge of my life
· Tell the ones I love that I appreciate their time
· Develop stronger relationships
· Live for today

God grant me the strength to be strong so I may fully love those around me.
I love you Amy.

Rest

I worry for her. This change cannot be easy for her. She can keep her key if she feels the need to get away from her new roommates and I will leave so she can have her space. I also know she is in good hands but she needs more. She needs her rest. The rest of her life to be happy and loved. To have the husband she deserves. Have a home that is stable and strong. Now I have forced her to just a fifteen by fifteen room she can call her own. She will get the rest she needs and the support she wants. I hope I may have a place in her heart again and this time a larger part that has been earned. However I recognize a part of her heart has died. When I met her she would always say “love conquers all”. I hope she still believes that. If so, it will be able to embrace what has been missing far too long. Please Lord grant me the power to be strong so I may be the husband she deserves.

The Gift

My wife of nine years will leave for six months this weekend. She says it to get a break; that I need to find out what is important in my life. Basically to become aware, live and be happy. She asks me if I am angry and I truly respond that I am not. How could I blame her? I've been ignoring her and haven't been there for her when she needed me the most. She does not want a divorce, rather to repair the marriage. She said a break is in order and just needs time to have some fun with her friends. As of this moment wanting no more that to just hang out and not talk about the relationship. My wife has changed. I really respect that and I want to be the husband she deserves. I long to be the person she knows I can be. But I have to play it cool. I cannot see sharing the wonder of life without her.

She wants to date again. Start anew and I am going to take this opportunity and never look back. This is my wake up call. Of all the accomplishments and awards this time is the most important time of all. Change is what I need and want. Oh I truly want to stare at the better stranger in the mirror. Be the better man she deserves. Knowing in the end if I do she will come back to me. I have to put her as a priority and she is. I want to share the rest of my life with her. But most of all I want to do this for myself. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will lose it if I don't try. So many mistakes, so many regrets, but I can and will ascend this cliff. I know it. I just want her to be happy and be able to make her happy by pulling myself out of this fog and pray.

I have misplaced my substance to live and love. For all intense purposes I am already dead and I do not want to be intruded at such a fine hour. She is giving me the chance to find it again or to create one that will revive my soul. She has given me so much and now this gift.